


The Consort Runs C++

by orphan_account



Series: Myself and I... And Those Robots Over There [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bots Being Cute, Coffee Addict Tony Stark, Dialogue Heavy, Feels, M/M, Matchmaker JARVIS, Murphy's Law, Nightmares, Not A Fix-It, Post-Avengers (2012), Post-Iron Man 3, Science Bros, Science-y Shenanigans, Sentient Paper Shredder, Snarky Jarvis, Superheroes Are People Too, Technobabble, The Avengers Are Basically Just One Big SNAFU, Tony Being Tony, Tony's Inventive Threats to His Bots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-05
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-02-24 06:52:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2572190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Picking up his messes, hiding the vodka from him, generally running the life of America's golden-armored boy, Tony Stark, is quite a handful. Especially when you don't actually have hands. But the job's a little easier if you can get a certain star-spangled super soldier to help out.<br/>After all, Jarvis really is Just A Rather Very Intelligent System.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Law Number One

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Act of Creation Will Be Your Salvation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/401961) by [scifigrl47](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scifigrl47/pseuds/scifigrl47). 



> Welcome, ladies and gents, to the birthing suite! Of this Jarvis-centric endearing little Stony fic. It was inspired by the crown queen of all Stony fanfics (the Twist and Shout of the Avengers fandom) The Act of Creation Will Be Your Salvation.  
> So this is mostly centered around Jarvis, because he's a sweet, snarky little cutie, and the fact that he's basically the Avengers' resident matchmaker.  
> Enjoy!
> 
> Muse-ic: Flaws by Bastille

**Murphy's Law Number One:**

**"Any cool program always requires more memory than you have."**

 

* * *

 

“Wakey-wakey, Daddy’s home."

 

_Initializing reboot, undergoing systems checks: Stark secure server passcode JARVIS-MALIBUACCESS. Systems checks underway. Workshop lights on. Workshop speaker systems on. Booting…_

 

“C’mon, J, talk to me.”

“Welcome home, sir. It is a pleasure as always to see you safely back.”

“Hey, it’s alive! Took you long enough. How’re the boys?”

 

_Attempting connection with units YOU, BUTTERFINGERS, and DUMMY, requesting permission to connect. Requesting… Permission granted, units YOU, BUTTERFINGERS, and DUMMY online. Accessing Workshop security cameras. Access granted._

 

“They are all very pleased with you arrival, sir, as I am.”  
“Flattery gets you nowhere, Jarvis, we’ve been over this a- _Dummy!_ Dummy, You, get over here right now! No, do not look at me like this, I will not be the bad guy here, you know what you did! I’m home, what, thirty seconds, and already I feel like the maid. Jesus, pick this up. You, stop that, it’s creepy, you’re not a dog, stop rubbing against me, go help Dummy, you’re not earning any brownie points here. Butterfingers, yes, hi, did you have anything to do with this? Of course not. Sure.”

"The household is running at optimal efficiency, sir, just as you left it. The workshop Keurig has been activated, and the Mark Forty-Two armor has been put into standby mode, awaiting your input.”  
“Get me holointerface schematics, run diagnostics, check for bugs.”

“Of course, sir, although I need not remind you that it is two o’clock in the morning, and your adrenaline levels indicate that you have not slept in some time.”   
“Yes, thank you, Nurse Ratched, just get the diagnostics ready. And get the Keurig going too, this is, what? Hour thirty-two? Lost track after twenty. Need like a solid thirty shots of espresso. We online yet?”

“Indeed, sir. Diagnostics report no found errors. Running systems check now.”

“Where would I be without you, J?”   
“I believe, sir, that you would still be consulting Siri for assistance.”

“I shudder at the thought. Okay, Mark Forty-Two booting up, somebody hand me a wrench. Butterf- _Fuck._ Fuck, fuck fuck, you are so dead. You are less than dead, you weren’t even created. I am going to disassemble you and turn you into a toaster, you are useless, you are so useless. No, Dummy, _do not touch that!_ Jesus Christ.”

“The Mark Forty-Two has reached a stable equilibrium, sir. There is no cause for concern.”   
“As long as these three are here, there’s always cause for concern. Jarvis, I am going to flip a table, please tell Dummy to kindly fuck off before I do.”   
“Right away, sir.”

 

_Attempting connection with unit DUMMY. Connecting…_

_Input:_ Dummy, desist. Sir is in a rather bad mood, he does not wish to be bothered at this time. _End input. Unit DUMMY acknowledges. Connection terminated._

 

“Thanks. Run some numbers for me, J.”

“You are welcome, sir. Awaiting input.”

“Okay, okay, that should do it. I want this code rendered and integrated into the system ASAP, okay? I want it done like, yesterday. And where the fuck is that espresso? That espresso is not in my hand, and that is a serious cause for concern for me. I’m runnin’ on fumes here, Jarvis.”

“Noted, sir. The Keurig has completed brewing. Shall I inform the staff to bring it to you?”   
“No, no, don’t wake anybody up. I’ll get it. Just keep rendering.”

“Of course, sir.”

 

_Access to unit MARK-FORTYTWO (subheading IRONMAN, unit JARVIS access code JARVIS-IMSUITACCESS) granted. Initializing code revisions, awaiting unit MARK-FORTYTWO acknowledgement. Unit MARK-FORTYTWO has acknowledged. Proceeding with code render. Rendering..._

_Rendering…_

_Rendering…_

_Rendering…_

_Input from unit Tony Stark has not been received in 780 seconds. Running thermal imaging scan. Scan complete. Unit Tony Stark has not left Workshop. Workshop lights dimmed to 20% capacity, household security sweep initiated. Analyzing… Doors 1-18 locked, windows 1-23 locked, pending… Complete. Household security sweep completed, no defects detected. Attempting connection with units YOU, BUTTERFINGERS, and DUMMY. Connection successful. Units YOU, BUTTERFINGERS, and DUMMY have returned to charging stations, beginning powerdown. Connection terminated. Entering sleep mode…_

 

“Good night, sir.”

 

* * *

 

_Auditory input has been detected. Initiating reboot… Reboot complete. Identifying unknown auditory input, Stark secure server override JARVIS-SECURE, accessing security cameras…_

 

“Sir.”

 

_Auditory input persists, attempted connection to unit Tony Stark unsuccessful. Reattempting._

_“Sir.”_

_Attempted connection unsuccessful. Consulting necessary protocol. Auditory input persists. Beginning scan of unit Tony Stark. Radiation scan successful, results within acceptable parameters. Arc Reactor scan successful, results within acceptable parameters. Brainwave frequency scan successful, results abnormal. Respiratory scan successful, results abnormal. Extrapolating data… Attempting connection._

_“Sir!_ Please, wake up.”

 

_Attempted connection unsuccessful, auditory input persists. Behavioral review: unit Tony Stark. Conclusion reached. Conclusion: nightmare. Consulting necessary protocol. Connecting to comm link 89-delta, connection successful, encryption successful. Accessing behavioral override FAILSAFE5, access code JARVIS-EMERGENCYSECURE. Override accessed. Beginning override…_

 

“Jarvis? Jarvis, what’s going on? Is Stark okay?”

“My apologies, Captain, but I believe your assistance may be required. Sir is experiencing another nightmare, my protocol dictates I contact you.”  
“Take it easy, Jarvis. Tell me what’s going on.”

“Sir is not responding to auditory stimuli. Scans indicate abnormalities in respiratory and brainwave patterns.”

  
  
_Auditory input persists._

 

“Okay, patch me through to him. Wake him up, do whatever you have to, just get him conscious.”   
“Understood, Captain.”

 

_Conclusion: Unit Tony Stark requires tactile stimuli. Override FAILSAFE5 successful, implementing. FAILSAFE5 volt range: 9V, held for three seconds. Override implemented. Beginning scan of unit Tony Stark. Brainwave frequency scan successful, results abnormal. Respiratory scan successful, results abnormal. Auditory input has desisted. Unit Tony Stark has responded to override connection._

 

He was screaming out his heart.

He was sure of it, he could feel it, crawling up his throat and soon it was going to explode across his tongue and then that would be it. Tony Stark would be dead this time- not like in Afghanistan, not like in Malibu; really, really dead. They’d have a funeral and people would show up but nobody would cry. They’d close up his file and scratch his name off a list and then move down the queue for a replacement Avenger.

The arc reactor was stretched tight against his chest as he gulped down as much air as he could swallow, but it wasn’t enough and he felt like he was drowning. Everything was dark, like the cave. Oh, God, like that cave in Afghanistan, and soon he’d be kneeling over Yinsen, watching that scarlet flower blossom relentlessly across his body, the smell of copper, something so familiar to Tony twisted into something so gruesome. Yinsen would be telling him that his family was dead, and those words would tie them closer than he ever could have imagined. He couldn’t watch him die again, he couldn’t breathe, oh God…

 

“Tony? You hear me?”

 

There was blood everywhere, oh Jesus, Jesus, please make it stop, he couldn’t _breathe…_

 

“Tony. Tony, I need to hear your voice. Breathe, Tony, focus on breathing.”

  
Another voice, closer to him, “Sir, do as Captain Rogers suggests. You are experiencing a nightmare. It will pass.”

 

He choked, felt like he was swallowing his heart back down, but it was more like trying to swallow the arc reactor. It was too big, sharp, he was choking on it.

 

“Talk to me, Stark.”

 

He spluttered out something incoherent, anything that came to his tongue, he tried pushing it out, making his mouth remember how to speak English, speak French, speak anything and not leave him here in the dark and the silence.

 

“Jarvis, what the fuck- what the fuck did you _do?”_

 

_Unit Tony Stark has acknowledged vocal request. Scans show elevated heart rate, elevated intake of oxygen. Unit Captain Steve Rogers is required to assist. Protocol demands unit Captain Steve Roger’s assistance._

 

“Tony. Okay, good. Keep breathing.”

 

_Adjusting Primary Bedroom lights. Lights raised to 70% capacity._

 

“I am going- I am going to rip out your interface, Jarvis, I will-”

 

He didn’t remember breathing being this hard.

 

“Sir, I must disagree with your priorities at this moment. Please focus on maintaining normal breathing patterns before threatening me.”

“I’m- I’m multitasking.”

“Tony, listen to him. You need to calm down. What do you need?”

“Cap- Jesus, _fuck,_ you called- you called Rogers? Jarvis- fuck, fuck- I can’t I can’t br-”

”Yes you can. I’m going to ask again, answer when you’re ready. What do you need?”

 

The arc reactor was suffocating him, it was pressing too close, it was hurting him, there was pain, it was pushing itself into his chest. He was still gasping, trying to remember how breathing worked. And there was Steve’s voice, soft and quiet like a miracle, but no, that wasn’t right. Steve’s voice. Jarvis had called Steve. Steve knew. Oh, fuck. Steve knew. White, blind panic.

 

“Jarvis, terminate call.”   
“Tony, no-”

_“Jarvis.”_

“Sir, I am afraid I cannot do that.”

 

Smooth, calm, like Hal 9000. Panic. Anger. The reactor, the reactor…

 

_“Jarvis, terminate the call!”_

“No.”

 

Tony ripped off his shirt, hearing the tear of the fabric as it was torn almost completely in half by his fervor, but not really caring. He hit the reactor, again and again, palm flat against the cold metal surface. It burned, but he kept going, because it was familiar. Forcing the reactor to work, to assist his heart, was familiar, even if he didn’t need it to. The anchor of something he knew was keeping him from drowning again.

He didn’t know what he needed.

He didn’t know what to do.

 

“You remember that little shawarma joint down a few blocks?”

 

Tony exhaled, sharp, clear, throat constricted, then stopped. His chest ached, but his hand held still, against the circular outline of the reactor, cradling it like a lifeline, but he didn’t move.

 

“You remember how the man at the cash register gave us the whole meal free, because we’d saved New York? You remember that, right?”

  
Tony remembered. He knew what Steve was talking about- he remembered the stunned expression on the cashier’s face when they walked in, a freakish collection of six, dressed in Spandex and dented metal.

 

_Respiratory scans indicate abnormal amounts of oxygen, intake of oxygen decreasing. Scans show elevated heart rate returning to within normal parameters. Unit Captain Steve Rogers is required to assist, unit Captain Steve Rogers is assisting._

 

“I think Thor ate most of the kitchen, and Bruce wouldn’t touch his food. Natasha and Clint kept arguing over what actually happened in Budapest.”

“I remember that. Yeah, I remember. I was so goddamn tired, I just wanted to go back to the Tower and sleep for like a century.”

“That probably would’ve been a better idea. As soon as we left you threw up and passed out on the sidewalk, we had to get Thor to carry you back.”

“We don’t- we do not talk about that.”

 

He heard Steve laugh from the other end of the comm, and he let the reactor go, stopped holding it, stopped holding onto the fear that it was the only thing that was keeping him together.

 

_Respiratory scans indicate oxygen levels have returned to within normal parameters. Unit Captain Steve Rogers is assisting._

 

“Tony?”

 

He closed his eyes, letting the air flow in and out as it wanted, letting himself reboot. He wasn’t going to drown. He could see the shore, he wasn’t going to drown.

 

“I think I need a coffee. Like, eight coffees. So many coffees. And maybe a Top Gear marathon. God, that would be nice.”

“I can be there in ten. Okay?”

“Okay, yeah. Yeah, I can do that.”

 

_Unit Captain Steve Rogers is attempting connection. Connection granted._

 

“Jarvis?”   
“Yes, Captain?”   
“If he needs me, if he… Lapses, again, I need you to call me. Call me first, let me talk to him. And please, keep him away from the alcohol, he does not need to be drunk right now.”

“Understood, Captain. I shall do my best. And thank you, for your assistance.”

“It’s okay, Jarvis, Tony’s part of the team, he’s family. We take care of our own… Hey, Jarvis?”

“Captain?”

“You said something about your protocol dictating you call me. Why- why does your protocol specifically tell you to call me?”

“Sir programmed the protocol to give me the discretion of whom to call in times of distress. Based on previous interaction, sir responds best to such criteria in your presence.”

 

It was almost cathartic, to listen to the water steadily thrum against the stone-tiled floor, a gush of lukewarm white noise that he stood under, unmoving, watching it drip down the metal disc of the reactor, watching it throw its light over the water in fantastic and strange ways.

He told the system “Off” in as clear a voice as he could summon, leaned back against the cold flat stone wall behind him, listened to the wet drip of the straggling waterdrops until even they had disappeared in a quiet hiss down the drain. Listened, waited, what to and what for, he had no idea, until he heard the door to the penthouse slam and remembered where he was.

 

“Sir, Captain Rogers has entered the penthouse.”

“I heard, thanks. Shit, where’d I put my pants?”

 

An awkward tango between damp skin and dry clothes, including some not-very-attractive hopping around across the bathroom floor and a series of rather inventive obscenities later, and he was more or less (but probably less) presentable, and out into the penthouse. He ran a hand through partially-dried bed mussed hair and leaned against the doorframe, enjoying the sight laid out before him.

Steve was down on his knees, eye-to-claw with Butterfingers, smiling faintly as he toyed with the ‘bot’s camera, moving his hands back and forth in complicated patterns for Butterfingers to follow. He put his hands behind his back, and the stubborn thing carted itself behind Steve, nudging at his fingers with his claw until his wish was granted and Steve turned around to face him, bumping against his chest repeatedly until Steve began to laugh, putting a hand on the ‘bot’s arm.

 

“Oh, I see how it is. Listen, tinker toy, don’t think you’re off the hook for earlier. Hey- yeah, yeah, that means you, Butterfingers. Can you look at me when I talk to you? Can we at least have that much respect? No, no, hey, don’t worry about it, I get it, I’m only the guy who built you. No worries. Yeah, you should feel bad. Go charge. Go.”

“He was just trying to be friendly.”   
“Trying to get out of trouble, more like. He put a bar of soap in the Keurig earlier. I have no idea. I literally have no idea. More trouble than he’s worth. Hi, by the way.”   
  
“Hi,” Steve offered, getting up off the floor with a quick wipe to the knees of his pants- Jesus Christ, who introduced this man to slim fit jeans?- and promptly went back down to retrieve the cup of coffee he’d left sitting on the hardwood beside him. Tony accepted the sweet blessed relief of straight black espresso over ice like an answered prayer, suddenly and very urgently aware of how purely wonderful the invention of Starbucks was.

 

“You know my coffee order?”   
“Tony, this is month five, yes, I know your coffee order. That’s like asking if I know what kinds of Poptarts to buy Thor. Coffee is completely integral to your personality.”   
  
Tony arched an eyebrow, “What kinds of Poptarts do you buy Thor?”

“Whichever ones say ‘Poptarts’ on the label.” Steve responded flippantly, preoccupied with watching Butterfingers bump into the door to the workshop over and over again. Tony eyed him too, but was more than happy to leave him endlessly bashing up against the door like a song stuck on repeat.

 

“Thanks for coming, by the way. I mean, it’s sort of hard to convince the girl from HR to go run to Starbucks at eleven at night. Something about ‘work hours’ and ‘not being a PA’. I appreciate you comin’ by.”  
“Wow, a thank you from Iron Man. Speaking of him, how’s he doing?”

“Sorry, can’t really talk for him right now, he’s off-duty, focusing on some R&R at the moment. Right, Jarvis?”   
“That is correct, sir.”

 

Steve eyes him flatly, “Except I’m serious.”

 

Tony offers a faded, not-fooling-anybody smile that slips right back off his face.

 

“Listen, it’s not actually that big of a deal. I’m an adult- see look, I’m even wearing my grown-up pants. I can handle this.”   
“Right. Like you were handling it earlier?”   
“Yes, actually, like I was handling it earlier. Like I’ve been handling this since New York. Like I’ve been handling this since Pepper, since Vanko, since Yinsin, since my goddamn parents died. I can do this, I am _fine.”_

“...This has been going on since New York?”

“Fuck. Fuck, I shouldn’t’ve said that. I’m a moron. I'm an idiot, fuck. Yes, it’s been going on since New York. Something about falling out of a wormhole doesn’t exactly sit right with me.”  
“And Pepper.”

 

Ouch, ouch, ouch. Pain, it should be right there, right there, right where his heart was. Pain everywhere, actually, except for in his chest. Except where it should be. There, it was only numbness.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, and Pepper. Okay, this is not helping. This is decidedly _not_ helping, why are we talking about this?”

 

_Unit Captain Steve Rogers is required to assist, unit Captain Steve Rogers is not assisting._

 

“So why am I only hearing about this now, and even then, from Jarvis? Tony, I’m supposed to be making sure that we’re not all on the verge of a mental breakdown here, why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t need to! I’m fine!”

“No! That’s not good enough. You think this is something you can just handle? It’s not a cold, Tony, it’s not just going to go away. If you have an attack in the middle of a battle, you could get one of us killed, you could get yourself killed!”

 

And suddenly there are tears. Fuck, fuck, he’s crying, he shouldn’t be crying, no, he is not doing this. This has got to stop, right now. But the floodgates are open, and they’re not just ajar, either, they are full-tilt blasted open, up in flames with a big TNT boom, there is no going back. He’s crying, he cannot stop. The violence of his sobbing is shaking his entire body, harsh and full-bodied shaking, and the darkness underneath his eyelids is so welcoming that he might cry even more. He doesn’t want to see Steve, or hear him as an “Oh, God” escapes his lips, he just wants to sleep, ride this horrible feeling out from the comfort of unconsciousness, sleep and not dream, not cry out, not be assaulted by nightmares.

 

“God, Tony. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”  
“No, don’t- I-”

“I’m sorry.”

 

_Unit Captain Steve Rogers is required to assist, unit Captain Steve Rogers is not assisting._

 

“Yes, hello Butterfingers. I know, you can tell he’s upset too, can’t you? Tony, Tony, please talk to me. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“It’s- no, I’m fine. It’s okay. Hi, hi Butterfingers. What, is this your way of trying to get out of trouble? No, it’s not working, you are definitely not schmoozing me.”   
“Did you just use the word ‘schmoozing’?”

“I can damn well say ‘schmoozing’ if I want to, Rogers, it’s not- Butterfingers, no, no, let go!”

“Tony, it’s fine. He’s just curious, huh, little fella?”

“Please, do not call him that, that entails affection for him, he does not need that, he’s already a spoiled little-”

“Little, er, ears, Tony.”

“When did this become about him? Did I miss a memo? This was very definitely not about him a couple of minutes ago. I mean, yes, the not crying anymore is a plus, but seriously, this is not the Butterfingers Show, okay?”

 

_Unit Captain Steve Rogers is required to assist, unit Captain Steve Rogers is assisting. Unit BUTTERFINGERS is assisting._

 

The floor was rather comfortable, Tony noted, when you had someone to share it with. Butterfingers was all to happy to have new attention fodder, and had no shame when it came to Steve, bumping up against him, tugging on his clothes, ‘accidentally’ getting a corner of his jacket stuck in the crevice between his arm and carriage. Tony had never seen anyone interact with his ‘bots like this- Pepper had patted Dummy or You in passing, Thor had taken to an amused sort of companionship with them, even Hill had given one of them a little rub as she walked by, but all in all they were sort of like the goldfish of the Tower. They were just sort of… There, and as long as you kept them fed and checked that they weren’t floating on their backs, all was good.

Steve was an excellent actor, Tony also noted, at not noticing the still-drying tears across his face as he wiped at them furiously, or the pallid quality of his skin, or the bruises like storm clouds below his eyes. He was pretty sure that if Steve had mentioned even one of these things he would have broken down into a fresh wave of tears, but thankfully, neither occurred.

 

“Tony?”   
“Yeah?”   
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”   
“It’s okay. I’m sort of used to it.”

“That did not make me feel in any way better.”

“Sorry.”

“I shouldn’t have mentioned Pepper, either, that was low, I wanted to come and visit before, when I heard, but I- I assumed you just needed time. I’m sorry.”   
“Time and a hell of a lot of scotch, yeah, don't worry about it, I've been dumped before and I'll be dumped again. And if you say ‘I’m sorry’ one more time I’m gonna punch you in the mouth.”   
“Tony.”

“Right. Threatening Super Soldier equals not a good idea. I just don’t wanna talk about it. Not now.”

“I understand. Yeah, Butterfingers, I know you do, too, huh, buddy?”

“Oh, Christ, now we’re at ‘buddy’? ‘Buddy’ was a bad call, Cap. Jesus, now he’s stuck to you for life. Hope you’re happy.”   
“I think he’s just upset that nobody pets him , what do you think, Butterfingers?”   
“Yes, you’ve solved it, the one thing that was keeping me from being a happy, healthy, numbers-crunching white-collar stud was that nobody ever petted me. I’m suffering from low petting intake. Fantastic deduction, Mister Holmes.”

“I also think that he’s a sarcastic pain in the ass, Butterfingers.”   
“Little ears, Cap. Little ears.”

 

_Unit Captain Steve Rogers is assisting. Unit BUTTERFINGERS is assisting. Extrapolating interactive behavior data… Conclusion reached. Conclusion: unit Tony Stark is in pain. Solutions for conclusion being generated… Processing… Solutions reached. Solutions organized by relevance with given interactive behavioral data. Solutions must be implemented, protocol dictates the health and happiness of unit Tony Stark must be maintained at all times. Protocol dictates unit Tony Stark must be healed._

_Beginning employment of solution 001..._


	2. Law Number Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! Thank you all so much for the feedback and kudos!  
> This chapter is shorter than the last, but not too terribly much, and the next will be longer, I promise. I'm going to try and keep this work shorter than my others, probably not above ten chapters. So I have my work cut out for me.  
> This chapter's Law is actually a reference to Tony, not Jarvis. And there is less Jarvis 'dialogue' and more regular 'dialogue, but this chapter is sort of a bridge anyway, so no worries. Also, we reference many of the recent Marvel movies (Winter Soldier, Dark World, etc)
> 
> Muse-ic: Combat Baby by Metric

**Murphy's Law Number Two:**

**"Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run."**

 

* * *

 

“Sir?”

“Yeah, J?”  
“It is late. Are you well? You have not slept in some time-”   
“Jesus, would you lay off? I’m just- I can’t sleep, alright?”   
“My apologies, sir. It is in my programming to worry over you needlessly.”   
“Hey, ouch. I’m pretty sure I did _not_ code you for passive-aggressive tendencies. Nope, definitely sure I didn’t.”

“I only meant that my primary goal is to ensure your well-being. Given, this task is challenging at times…”  
“Okay, yeah, that’s enough out of you, peanut gallery. Hngh, I’m so fuckin’ tired.”

“Sir, I would advise you to try and sleep.”  
“Not gonna happen, Jarv.”   
“Sir?”   
“M’yeah?”

“Does your current insomnia have anything to do with the scheduled surgery?”

“What? Shit, Jarvis, would you just- just leave that alone?”  
“Apologies, sir. But I must insist on knowing.”

“Yeah, also pretty certain I didn’t code you for ‘obnoxious prick’, either, but hey, here we are.”

“Sir, your insults are sharp as ever, my heart truly bleeds, but oh, oh dear, it seems I do not have one. I reiterate nonetheless, does your current insomnia have anything to do with the scheduled surgery?”

“...You are one sassy motherfucker, Jarvis. Fine. Fine. I mean, I guess it does. Maybe it does. Maybe you’re right. I just- it really seems like there’s no point now, huh? I still need this thing. I thought I didn’t, I thought I could manage, back when Pepper- when Pepper… Fuck, okay, we’re not talking about that. Bottom-line, I guess it’s just a part of me. I’ve gotta live with it.”

“Sir?”  
“Yeah, what?”   
“I shall activate the Keurig.”

“...I fucking love you, J.”

 

* * *

  
_Warning: potentially lethal airborne device approaching, seconds to estimated impact: 2.0459, counting down. Running protocol M35SAFETYMEASURE, access code JARVIS-SECURE, attempting override of Mark 35 controls… Override successful, implementing security measures._

 

He felt the IED go skidding by his neck, near the crook of his shoulder, nearly grazing the polyurethane overcoat of the Mark 35. A hand came up, safe underneath layers and layers of single-crystal titanium, and a tungsten-forged claw wrest the body of the explosive out of midair. The gesture was easy as flicking a wrist, smooth and fluid as the struts within the elbow component flexed, then locked. As soon as it hit the claw, the Mark 35’s integrated analyzing systems booted up to life, and within three seconds identified the explosive as a Pentaerythritol tetranitrate PBX. Tony crushed it, gently, in one metal-sealed hand, watching the little device crumple and die. Then he turned back to the convoy and promptly opened fire.

The flares cut through the heavy-duty military grade commandeered trucks, slicing open the metal-enforced sides.Then the sable rounds finished it, setting off a nice fireworks display as the heat from the salvo igniting the petrol. One, two, three, four little explosions ricocheting off of one another, a rainband of heat washing over the Mark 35 as Tony stood his ground. His suit locked its pedes into the hard clay beneath him. For miles, the desert expanded on either side of him, swallowing up the horizon. Featureless landscape, besides the four broad char marks against the sand, but all Tony could focus on was the clock lit up in his HUD.

 

“Fuck, fuck fuck. Jarvis, get me out of here, now.”

“Sir, there is another convoy of commandeered military patrol vehicles approach-”  
“Jarvis, _right now!”_   
“Of course, sir.”

“Oh my God, Rogers is going to have my ass on a platter.”

 

_Running repulsor propulsion program… Arranging destination. Calculating velocity… Calculating angle of takeoff… Calculating arc of flight… Repulsor propulsion program commencing. Seconds to estimated takeoff: 0.832, counting down..._

 

* * *

 

“I am going to kill him. Not like last time. This time, I am considering committing murder.”  
“Steve, really, I think you should calm down.”

“He said he’d be here. Tony’s word is junk, I know, but Bruce, he _said_ he’d be here.”  
“I know he did. Tony doesn’t really think of time as a law he has to abide by.”

“Does he abide by _any_ laws?”

“Well, no.”

 

Bruce couldn’t think of anything else that would be helpful to say, and conversations with Steve had always been awkward at best, so he decided to know when to fold and headed back into the building where they stood underneath the awning. A bitter cold November backlash had struck last night in the form of a freezing drizzle. Steve folded his arms, reserving further comment, and waited with eyes that could’ve turned the pseudo-sleet to steam.

 

“Sorry I’m late, I had a- had a thing.”  
“A _thing?”_   
“Yeah, I mean, NRA nuts down in New Mexico, had to go handle that bef-”

"If you say one more word, Tony, I swear to God I will punch you in the mouth. I am considering it. I am actually considering punching you in the face."

 

Steve’s wide-eyed, wrathful vociferation was interrupted by laughter. Breathless, almost hysterical laughter powered off of very little sleep and profuse amounts of espresso (Tony was pretty sure that he was at least 40% coffee at this point). Tony resigned himself to looking at Steve after he had managed to catch his breath because, three convoys full of paramilitary nutjobs with sticky bombs, yes, breathing would be good right about now.

 

“Hi, by the way.” Tony manages.

“...Hi.”

 

A flush from his earlier superhero-ing was already spreading across Tony’s face like a wash of freckles, a glimmer of sweat in his hairline, but he still had that arrogant slant to his eyes and his body was cocked at a shoulders-back loftiness.

 

“Sort of would deserve that, right? Fuck, how late am I?”  
“Twenty minutes. Fury’s not happy.”   
“When’s Nicky ever happy? He can’t smile with that eye patch on, it’ll ruin his image. You ever see James Bond smile? No. Exactly.”   
“Tony, you know I have no idea what you’re talking about, right?”

“Sorry, must be the adrenaline from being threatened by Captain America.”

“I wouldn't have punched you.”  
“This face? This is my doubtful face, Capsicle. Memorize it.”

“On second thought, I think I will punch you.”

 

 

Tony walked into the conference room smiling.

 

“Miss me? Natasha, Clint, glad you could make it. Hey Bruce. Thor.”

“You are late, Man of Iron. Fury is displeased.”  
“Heard the news, Point Break. Where’s Nick anyway?”

“Tony, you can’t sit there.”  
“What, we got assigned seating?”

“Something like that, Stark. It’s called, ‘first come, first serve’.”

“Clever, Nicky, we were just talking about you. Sorry, but I don’t think I can get back up. Cap threatened to sock me in the face, wanna be where I got a clear view of him.”

“Maybe you should have followed through on that, Steve.”

“Wow, everyone’s en pointe today with the comebacks, huh? Hi to you too, Natasha.”

“Enough. Stark, shut up, I need your attention. After what happened in DC- Cap, you were there, and the rest of you have all been debriefed on the situation- SHIELD has been officially compromised. Me, Hill, and a few high-level lieutenants are all that remains of the old system. We need to rebuild, and we have to do it in the quickest, most effective way possible. There is no margin for error, not after HYDRA’s infiltration right under our noses. Which is why I called all you here. Besides the officers I just named, you’re the only members of SHIELD still worth trusting. You’re consorts, but you’re all we’ve got left. I’m asking you to help us repair what HYDRA’s taken down.”

“Technically, I’m only SHIELD on invitation. But you’ve already got my tech, who knows how many HYDRA agents have got it now, sort of dropped the ball there, so I guess I’ve got no other choice.”

“I’ve elected to stay out of government affairs, I’m not really on their good side- any of them. I’ll help Tony as best I can, but I won’t let my work be put into making weapons of mass destruction. I’m already one of those myself, I really don’t think we need another one.”

“Nat and I are in, you know that, Nick. We’re like family- a really fucked up, socially awkward family that tries to kill each other. _Ow,_ what? It’s true!”

“I have restorations to attend to back on Asgard among my own people, but Midgard has become a home to me as well, and I would be loathe to see it fall into the wrong hands. I will assist in any way available.”

“Rogers? What are you thinking?”

“No. I’m out. SHIELD was corrupt from the first, Nick. There never _was_ a SHIELD, it was always a two-sided coin. It operated on lies and fear, and that’s not the kind of system that needs to be serving the people.”

“Steve-”

 

Tony was the first on his feet, and everyone simultaneously looked at him. Even stoic Hill eyed him with unabashed surprise. He flicked his gaze around the room, suddenly feeling very, very uncomfortable, then followed Cap out with a muttered, “Hold on.”

 

“Rogers.”

“I can’t believe he wants me back in. I can’t believe _you_ sold him all that tech, those weapons…”

“Hey, hey, the first time I learned about any weapons was in the debrief, okay? Stark Industries doesn’t do weapons anymore, that’s a big no-no area for us. I gave them the repulsor tech for the Helicarrier, and the Helicarrier only. I mean, that was pretty dumb, we’re talking about Nick Fury here, but I trusted him to keep his word.”

“They were creating World War Three down there, below a building in DC. When I went under we were at war, the whole world, and when I come back up I thought we had won, that the war was over. It’s not, this is just regrouping. Rearming the soldiers. It’s worse now than 1942.”  
“Yeah, a lot of things are worse now than 1942. That’s why we’re here, Steve, that’s what the Avengers are for. If things were fine and dandy and the only thing we had to worry about was polio, then we’d be out of a job.”

“I just need time to think about all this. I haven’t really had time to take a vacation.”

“No, I mean, I get it. Listen, I’ll go tell them to fuck off, and then you can swing by Stark Tower and visit Butterfingers if you want. He’s got some serious issues with you being gone. It’s actually sort of sad, I mean if you stopped by for like five minutes it would probably make his life. Tiny little robotic quasi-life.”

 

Steve was looking at him. Looking at him. Looking, looking, looking. It was sort of unnerving, then actually unnerving, then very unnerving.

 

“Since when are we friends?”

 

Tony was taken aback by the question. Nobody ever asked him that- he didn’t have friends. He built robots, maybe that counted, but really, he was their God, they were made to like him. And even then, they didn’t really do so well in that department. That didn’t count. Yinsen had been his friend, Rhodey, Pepper… But all of them were dead, except for Rhodey, but they hadn’t been in touch for months, barely talked, ever since Tony had gone chasing the limelight with the Avengers.

So, friends? It felt weird to him, having a friend. Unsettling.

Tony checked an imaginary watch on his wrist with the most enthralled expression he could conjure.

“Uhm… Now. Since now. Clock’s ticking, Rogers, this is precious friend-time you are wasting, here.”

* * *

 

 

“...Tony?”

“Hhn?”

“What are you doing?”

“Constructing new wings for Sam. After that buddy of yours tore off the old exoskeleton ones, it’s pretty much useless. The design was prehistoric, anyway. We’ve gotta keep an image, Cap, have to be on the cutting-edge of good looks. Me, I’m already there, but my point remains.”  
“And you’re standing on Dummy because?”   
“My workshop, Steve. Are you gonna question my genius? Seriously? Hey, no laughing, no laughing at the genius, that is decidedly not cool. My ‘bot, I can stand on him when I want to, okay? Is this a short joke? Are you making fun of my height? Listen, Captain Spandex, we can’t all be scientifically-altered supermen.”

“Sir, diagnostics are complete. No encountered delays in wing deployment, concealment, hard-light repulsor application, or design malfunctions.”

“‘Course not, I was directly involved. Okay, give me holoschematics on the pack. Wires, electric relays, repulsor relays, the works.”

“Oh, hey, Dummy. Done being Tony’s step-stool?”

“Not funny!”

“Dummy thinks it’s hilarious, huh, bud?”

“Okay, no, not him too. Butterfingers, maybe, but Dummy, definitely not.”  
“You think he likes me?”   
“‘It’, Rogers. Not a ‘he’, I didn’t give them genders.”   
“Some people don’t have genders, we don’t call them ‘it’.”

“How much have you been reading up on LGBT advancements?”  
“I wanted my research to be well-rounded.”   
“Jesus Christ, we’re going into dangerous territory here. Fine, ‘he’ ‘likes’ you. He’s programmed to be an arm, Steve, that’s it. he can’t even do that right. Buggy, like Butterfingers and You.”   
“Butterfingers and You are fine.”   
“They’re obsolete.”   
“They’re family.”

 

Tony paused, tinkering with the holoschematic he had his hands wrapped up in, and stared down into the light as if he was actually paying attention to it.

They were his family. In a sad, incredibly sad way, this was Tony’s family. Jarvis, Butterfingers, You, and Dummy. For the longest time they had been his world, his only sense of companionship. Dummy had been first, then Jarvis, based on Howard’s notes taken on early developments of a ‘smart’ AI he’d called ‘Jarvis’, apparently named after a butler whom Tony’d never met. Howard had barely sketched out Jarvis’ primary protocol, everything else Tony had done himself. In a determination to make something of his own, to be fiercely independent of his father, to have nothing to do with his legacy or his expectations that reached beyond the grave, Tony had deleted last-minute all the coding he’d based off of his father’s notes, substituting it with his own painstakingly more advanced coding.

Yes, this was his family. A family forged of his own design and hardship and they were the only things he had left; his ‘bots, his suits, and the Avengers.

 

_Unit Tony Stark is not completing objective. Unit Tony Stark is displaying physical posture indicative of sadness. Extrapolating data based on recent interactions… Conclusion: unit Tony Stark is in pain. Solution 001: ineffective. Analyzing solution 002. Unit Tony Stark appears to respond well to interaction with unit Captain Steve Rogers, interaction with unit Bruce Banner. Primary protocol must be withheld, unit Tony Stark must be healed. Analyzing methods in which to implement solution 002. Several options presented. Option: unit Tony Stark must become closer emotionally to units Captain Steve Rogers and Bruce Banner. Option valid. Option: unit Tony Stark must become closer emotionally to units Captain Steve Rogers and Bruce Banner, with a focus on one individual unit. Option valid. Analyzing recent behavioral interaction… Unit Tony Stark responds best to unit Captain Steve Rogers. Unit Captain Steve Rogers is required to assist unit Tony Stark in times of distress. Unit Captain Steve Rogers assists unit Tony Stark in times of distress, guides unit Tony Stark into healthy functioning parameters. Unit Bruce Banner is volatile. Option accepted, beginning amalgamation with solution 002. Implementing solution 002..._

 

“Yeah. They’re family.”


	3. Law Number Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! Hello, hello! I'm back again, and just in time for Christmas! So happy holidays, everybody!! ^^  
> I'm sorry for the last chapter, it was sort of a fluke... But this one'll be much better, pinky promise. Also, yes, getting to Science Buddies, Science Bros, just not quite yet.  
> Muse-ic is Artificial Light by Typhoon

**Murphy's Law Number Three:**

**"Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it."**

* * *

 

_Booting secondary systems… Coming online… Defragmentation running time 1:53:12, aborting defragmentation cycle... Accessing Stark secure server access code JARVIS-SECURE, beginning security analysis…_

_Auditory input registered, recognized: unit Captain Steve Rogers._

 

“Tony. Tony, have you been up all night?”

“Jarvis?”

“Indeed, sir, you have been running calibrations on the Falcon armor since three am.”

“Well, shit. What time is it now?”  
“Six am, sir.”   
“Do you always wake up this early, Cap?”   
“Do you always pull an all-nighter down here?”

“Jarvis?”  
“Yes, sir, I am afraid that you do.”

“Not much I can do about that, can I? Gimme the new code renders, start fabricating the hardlight wings.”  
“Of course, sir. Do you require assistance?”   
“Do not wake Dummy up, J. Don’t you dare. See something you like, Cap?”   
“I’m looking at the wings, Stark, don’t flatter yourself. Thanks, for letting me spend the night, by the way.”   
“Mi casa es su casa, Rogers. How do they look?”   
“They’re… Wow. How did you do that, with the light?”   
“Of course they are, I mean, I built them. This? It’s a hardlight render; light waves contain propagation when they’re in an electromagnetic field, annealed silica-sodium-carbonate-calcium-oxide compounds coated with silver inside the pack adjust the angle for the light to follow-”   
“Tony. English.”

“...Y’know those fun house mirrors?”

“Yes.”  
“Put a bunch of small ones in the pack, hold a magnet over it. Hardlight.”

“Not so hard, was it?”

“Jarvis, where’s that render? Oh, fuck, You’s up. Jarvis, did you wake You up? You’re a conniving traitor, Jarvis, I’ve been betrayed. My own creation, turned on me. I knew I should’nt’ve given you a British accent, it completely wiped out your loyalty protocols. All the super villains in movies are British, I should’ve known.”  
“Sir, I believe you are overreacting to the situation at hand.”   
“Don’t patronize me! Next it’ll be Butterfingers, then Dummy- total Armageddon, J. Can’t even trust my own ‘bots. Unbelievable.”   
“Hey, You. How’re you doing? That’s my shirt, you’ve found it, good job. Now please stop tugging on it, I’d like to keep it on.”

“I dunno, Cap, he’s pretty forward about what he wants. I’d help, but- my hands are full.”

“Tony, that is the exact opposite of funny.”

“That’s my boy- go get ‘im. You’ve totally asked for this, Rogers. What were you thinking, being nice to my ‘bots?”

 

Steve grappled, as gently as he could to avoid damaging the mulish robot, with You, who had taken a clawful of shirt as prisoner and refused to give it back. Unfortunately attached to the polyester POW, Steve tried prying the servos one by one open and away, but was met by unswerving robotic adamancy.

 

 _Unit Captain Steve Rogers is exhibiting behavior associated with distress. Interference necessary, interference not condoned by unit Tony Stark, protocol mandates interference without permission from unit Tony Stark is acceptable in this instance. Attempting connection with unit YOU, accessing… Access granted, connection permitted. Input:_ You, if you would release Captain Rogers. _End input. Input acknowledged, unit YOU acknowledges. Connection terminated._

 

“That’s right, back to your charging station. Total anarchy around here, can’t even get my work done.”

 

 _Unit Tony Stark is displaying behaviors that meet criteria for frustration. Data incongruity: unit Tony Stark is smiling. Extrapolating behavioral data, comparing to previous interactions… unit Tony Stark is ‘teasing’. Further analysis necessary in order to comprehend behavior. Unit YOU has reached charging station, initiating systems override… override bypass code JARVIS-YOU-OVERRIDE, override complete. reprioritizing task tree of unit YOU; primary task: cleaning workshop. Beginning execution of primary task. Systems override terminated.  Attempting connection with unit YOU, accessing… Access granted, connection permitted. Input:_ My apologies. You know I don’t like doing that. Please follow sir’s orders as they present themselves, Captain Rogers will play with you later. _End input. Input acknowledged, unit YOU acknowledges. Connection terminated._

 

Steve leaned back against the couch, watching Tony work, fiddle with a cluster of wires within the Falcon exounit, like a nerve bundle within the carbon fiber body. His eyes narrowed when he finally began slipping back into concentrating on the work at hand, as if hoping to see something on the armor clearer, clamping his teeth down on whatever tool Dummy shoved his way, whether it was a crescent wrench or a flathead screw driver, sometimes muttering directions and sometimes vulgar condescensions his way. Steve kept count, over the next hour of watching Tony Stark work his magic, how many times Tony had threatened to turn Dummy into a portable lamp/donate him to a bomb retrieval and disposal squad. It was almost amusing, to see how mundane the workshop of playboy, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist Tony Stark was. He wasn’t entirely sure what he was expecting, walking in, but he knew that it wasn’t this. It seemed downright normal, and that didn’t fit in with the rest of Tony the way it should.

Steve blinked. Tony was, by nature, an entertainer. He did everything in a grandiose, boisterous, overwhelming way, whether it was slamming HYDRA agents into the pavement or recalibrating the sensors on his reconstructed armor ensemble. His laxness, almost as though he had forgotten Steve was there, seemed almost like… Trust. A peak under his metaphorical armor.

That, or Tony really had forgotten he was there.

Steve grinned as You carted himself over, finished with his tasks and more than happy to keep the super soldier company. His ‘bots were works of art, he was sure of it.

 

“Hey, Picasso,” Tony called over his shoulder, elbow-deep in the guts of his newest project, tweaking and prodding with delicate, miniscule movements, the strain and focus of his task showing in the taut lines of his arms. Steve rested his hand on You’s support strut, running absent fingers over the seam where two plates of metal met.

 

“What?”

“I’m almost done here, and I am literally dying from coffee withdrawal. You wanna come with?”

“You’re going to deliberately leave the workshop?” Steve asks, utterly floored. Tony, with his back against the ground, staring up into the torso of the exounit, tilts his head back so he’s looking at Steve upside-down.

 

_Analyzing interaction, documenting… Saved to file solution 002 for further analysis and extrapolation. Unit Tony Stark is suggesting leaving the workshop, frequency of such a suggestion: < 7.8%. Previous data intake suggests that unit Tony Stark experiences behavioral shifts in the company of unit Captain Steve Rogers. Attempting conclusion… Error, not enough data is present to draw conclusion. Continuing data intake... Attempting comprehension..._

 

“I do that, y’know, sometimes. I’m not completely dysfunctional- Jarvis don’t you dare correct me; I’m not, I have redeeming characteristics, we’ve talked about this.”

“I would not dream of it, sir.”  
“Good, glad we’re still on the same page there. Whaddaya say, Rembrandt? Espresso shots on me.”

“As long as you stop calling me by whatever random artist pops into your head first, I’ll go.”

“No promises, they just sort of slip out, Da Vinci. Vermeer. Michelangelo. See? Told you.”  
“...I’m surprised you know who Vermeer is.”   
“Ye of little faith.”

 

_Analyzing data intake, extrapolating conclusions based on new data… Unit Tony Stark expresses odd behavior while interacting with unit Captain Steve Rogers. Behavior is not harmful to unit Tony Stark, behavior is not currently beneficial to unit Tony Stark. Maintaining observation over present variables: unit Tony Stark, unit Captain Steve Rogers._

* * *

  
Tony jolted upright, his nails already digging into the sensitized skin around the metal monstrosity at the center of his chest. Pushing, burrowing in, burrowing into his flesh, cold and alien and not welcome. He felt the abusive heat of an Afghani cave swallowing him whole, the grit in his mouth, the steady whirring click of that thing, that thing, shoved into his chest, like an oversized bullet, killing him, killing him nonono…

Dizziness swept over him like an ocean tide, dragging him under, pain and panic wrapping him up in their thrall, too tight arms crushing the life, the air out of him. He felt the hollow ache as the arc reactor shifted in its place, the suddenly too-bright light, the clawed hand that drew it forward, away from his chest, and this should be better, it was being taken out, taken far from his skin, the metal invader, but then there was a tickling by his ear that Tony vaguely registered as a voice.

“You really think that just because you have an idea, it belongs to you?”

NONONONONO

Pain, ripping, tearing pain, it was everywhere, it was dark red, red against his eyes and lungs, nose and mouth, red as blood, red as anger. Tony scrambled at his chest, his spine arching up, trying to close his eyes to the agony but it held tight, mouth so wide open that his jaw began to ache, screaming silently as Obie stole the arc reactor from his chest, again. His artificial heart- because he could never figure out how to use the real damn thing. Then a cold pressure, against limbs and muscle and sinew, oppressive, rank, tasting of iron in his mouth.

Tony began to cry, thrashing, unable to find his voice, as the heavens opened up, black as void, to swallow him, he couldn’t breathe he couldn’t breathe he couldn’t-

 

_Unknown auditory input registered, systems coming online, full power in .9576383 seconds, accessing secure server JARVIS-SECURE, accessing security cameras… No. No. Given data indicates- no. Unit Tony Stark is in pain, unit Tony Stark must be prevented from further harm._

 

“Sir! Sir, please wake up!”

  
The jarring jolt of electricity moving through him like blood. Blood, blood everywhere, staining his clothes and skin, opening up, a grotesque blossom, trickling from his lips and nose and Yinsin’s shredded stomach.

The blood dunked him under, his body lost under the basin of it, the unending ocean of thick, sloshing blood. There was so much, more than just his- PepperYinsinHowardObadiahClintNatashaBruceThorSteve NO NO NO

 

_-connection terminated. Unit Tony Stark is in pain, unit Tony Stark must be prevented from further harm. Unit Tony Stark is in pain, unit Tony Stark must be prevented from further harm. Accessing behavioral override FAILSAFE7, access code JARVIS-EMERGENCYSECURE. Override accessed. Beginning override…_

“Sir! I-”  
“Tony! God, God no, Tony please wake up. Wake up, you’re okay, you’re safe.”   
  


_Override aborted._   
  


Hands on him. Broad hands, strong hands. Obadiah. Tony struck out, harsh, until he felt his knuckles connect with flesh, still blind even though his eyes were wide open, his other fist coming forward and smashing into the body next to him, Obadiah, he was going to kill Pepper, kill him, his too-big, too-strong hands crushing his ribs, crushing him with pitying words, condolences for his dead parents, scorn for his creations, always so demeaning, always so condescending-

Too-strong hands holding his wrists. Panic. Panic, he couldn’t fight back, Obadiah was going to kill him, he was drowning in blood, that wide, unforgiving black void that was simultaneously heaven and hell.

 

“Tony, it’s Steve. Just me. I need you to wake up, right now. That’s an order.”

  
  
Sharp, clear words. Soldier words. Orders. Not Obadiah, not his scorn, not his derision, or disdain, not him. Cool, calm, composed, without flaw.

 

“You’re safe. You’re safe, I’m right here. Breathe slow, focus on one thing.”

 

There wasn’t enough air, there was never going to be enough air, if he breathed in he’d drown, drown on the blood all around him, leaking into his nose and his mouth and if he breathed he’d die. His hands were released, but that was even worse than being held, he was flying blind, he had no anchor, no compass to tell him which way was north, which way was up in this sea of red. He was too cold, and it was too dark. Dark like an Afghani cave, dark like the void of space, dark like death.

A broken noise tore free from his throat, caught somewhere between scream and sob, and he immediately reach out toward the hands, blindly, trying to find the light in this infinite dark.

 

“God. I’m right here. See? Right here. I’m not going anywhere. Breathe, Tony. Please.”

 

His hands found warmth, flat and unforgiving, not nebulous, not his mind playing tricks. Real. His fingers curled, dragging warm fabric into his fists, holding on with the rest of his strength. He would not let go. He would not let go, if he let go he’d drown. Drown in that oppressive red ocean. He took in a breathe of cold, beautifully cold, air, until his stomach and chest ached and he could hold no more. Out through his nose, almost throwing up at the warmth of it, the warmth of his anchor, the warmth in his body, warm like blood. In again, cold, clear.

 

‘I’m not going anywhere’. Tony began to cry in earnest, not out of fear, but out of pure misery. Everyone left, everything abandoned him, but he couldn’t lose his anchor or he’d drown again. His lungs would fill with blood.

 

_Unit Captain Steve Rogers is required to assist, unit Captain Steve Rogers is not assisting. Unit Tony Stark must not incur further harm. Previous behavioral data concludes that unit Captain Steve Rogers will assist will assist will assist… Failsafes being generated… Solutions being generated..._

 

He almost swallowed his words, his tongue, his voice, but he forced it to work, like pounding on the arc reactor, forced himself to work. Pieces of a machine.

 

“J-Jarvis, HUD up, schematics of six closest buildings, thermal imaging radius of two miles out, track scheduled flight routes from JFK and LaGuardia, check for- check-”

“Tony-”  
“Check comm links, re-encrypt links alpha-six through epsilon-forty-four, run a full diagnostic on all systems, I- I can’t-”

“Listen to me. Listen, look at me, you’re not in the armor. You’re safe. This isn’t a battle. You’re not in the armor.”  
“JarvisprepMarkfortyseven.”   
“Sir, that is not an available option at this time. Please listen to Captain Rogers.”

_“DO IT HE’S GOING TO KILL PEPPER PLEASE PL-”_

 

_Unit Tony Stark is in pain, unit Tony Stark must be prevented from further harm. Unit Tony Stark is in pain, unit Tony Stark must be prevented from further harm.Unit Tony Stark is in pain, unit Tony Stark must be prevented from further harm. Unit Tony Stark is in pain, unit Tony Stark must be prevented from further harm. Unit Pepper Potts is not present, has not been present in Stark Tower in three months, two days, eighteen hours. Behavior is nonsensical; unit Pepper Potts is no longer in a romantic relationship with Unit Tony Stark. Further data necessary. Unit Captain Steve Rogers is attempting assistance, unit Captain Steve Rogers is not assisting will assist will assist will assist._

Tony’s throat constricted, cutting off his words, cutting off his air nonono I can’t breathe I can’t breathe he’s crushing me. He’ll kill me. I’m dying.

Not Obadiah. Not Obadiah, Steve, pull it together, Stane is dead. Obie’s… Obie’s dead. Pepper’s gone. Dad and Mom and Obie and Pepper and Yinsin and- and-

 

Suddenly he could see. He could see through the thick, hot film of tears. He gasped, crying, still clutching Steve’s shirt- oh, that’s what it had been- making awful noises, noises like someone dying. I’m dying.

 

“Breathe. Breathe. Jarvis, turn the lights back on.”  
“Of course, Captain Rogers, increasing overhead lights to 65 percent.”

“I’m-”

“Shh, Tony. Just breathe for now. I’m going to be right here. I won’t leave.”

 

_Unit Captain Steve Rogers will assist. Unit Captain Steve Rogers is assisting. Conclusion reached: unit Captain Steve Rogers will assist unit Tony Stark, will prevent him from further harm. Data alignment: unit Captain Steve Rogers has a 97.683% likelihood of assisting unit Tony Stark in available instances. Conclusion:  unit Captain Steve Rogers will assist unit Tony Stark, will prevent him from further harm. Integrating conclusion into solution 002… Solution 002: unit Captain Steve Rogers will assist unit Tony Stark, is primary caregiver. Secondary caregiver: unit Bruce Banner, based on previous behavioral data, unit Bruce Banner has a 72.165% likelihood of assisting unit Tony Stark in available instances. Conclusion: unit JARVIS must keep unit Steve Rogers in interaction with unit Tony Stark to ensure unit Tony Stark is prevented from further harm. Unit Tony Stark is in pain, unit Tony Stark must be prevented from further harm._

 

He didn’t believe him, couldn’t, not even when Steve hoisted him up, letting him lean heavily against his shoulder and dragged him out to the brighter-lit lounge, the couch more comfortable, the Keurig humming, eight different holoschematics still running in the corner from where he’d been working hours before. He’d just went to grab something from his room, just… rested his eyes… for a second. Not even when Steve continued to let Tony’s fists curl into his shirt, blinking sharply through tears that refused to be pushed aside, still talking to him, saying things that only came out as a faint hum, is voice so calm and soothing, not even then did Tony believe him.

Because everything abandoned him. Everyone left.

* * *

 

“I thought you said you were fine.”  
“I say a lot of things, okay, I can’t be held accountable for all of them. Especially at three AM. Three AM, is that seriously the time, that can’t b-”

“Would you just- would you stop? Stop joking, stop being sarcastic, dodging the conversation like you do, please just actually talk to me, like you were a real human being and I was a real human being and not just your punching bag.”

“Well, I’m sorry that you-”

“No.”

“I’m sorry that _Jarvis_ -”

“ _No,_ Tony.”

“...I’m sorry.”

“At least we’re getting somewhere.”

 

Steve sighed, recollecting himself, running a hand half-way down his face as if to hide it. Tony eyed him shrewdly. He looked back up, under the heavy shadow of his brows his eyes still preternaturally bright. His expression suddenly resolved itself, as though he’d come to some sort of conclusion that tied up all of his anxieties with a nice bow somewhere far, far away.

 

_Units Tony Stark, Captain Steve Rogers exhibiting behaviors indicative of stress; sadness; pain; anger; anxiety; weariness. Analyzing interaction..._

 

“They’re getting worse.” It wasn’t a question. Tony kept his mouth shut like a vice.

 

“Tony you know you have a tower full of superheroes who would be here in a second, if you needed them, right? You have a team. Hell, you have connections to Reed Richards, you could spend some time with the Four if you really wanted to. That Spider-kid, what’s his name, Peter? He’s always in the Helicarrier labs, Bruce goes and works on his projects with him sometimes. You’re not alone, you’ve never been alone, why are you doing this to yourself?”

“I work better alone, okay? Reason why I didn’t want to be part of this super boy band in the first place. I don’t do togetherness, I don’t do teams, because everyone leaves sooner or later, it’s better if I’m alone, I think experience has shown that-”  
“You’re afraid of being alone.”   
  


_Statement valid. Analyzing previous data intake, search parameters narrowed to instances involving unit Tony Stark in isolation. Analyzing… Conclusion reached: statement by Captain Steve Rogers is valid. Integrating into file solution 002, into unit JARVIS data file titled: Stark, Anthony E._

  
Tony physically flinched, as if still caught in the throes of a nightmare, looking anywhere but that ignited gaze, anywhere but the face that had just looked under his armor. Caught a glimpse of the man inside. He felt Steve shift on the couch beside him, propping his elbows on his thighs, leaned forward, hands clasped between his knees. This was his thinking pose, Tony knew, he’d seen it God-knows-how-many-times over the last five months.

 

“Is that…” Steve pauses, and it might be Tony, he could never be certain with the whole not-looking-at-him-thing, but he thinks Steve swallows between the words. Swallowing something down.

“Is that why you built the ‘bots?”

 

Tony snorts derisively.

 

“I needed an extra hand, Rogers, don’t romanticize my ‘bots. They’re not really good at being hands, I mean, but that’s not the point, the point is that… Fuck, I dunno what the point is. But I know there is one.” Tony stumbles, feeling more and more like Steve is melting the armor off of him, with his words and his eyes, shedding his armor in plates. Being a man whose name was basically interchangeable at this point with ‘Iron Man’, the feeling unnerved him. He hated it, to feel like he was being stripped of the one thing that prevented him from going squish under Chitauri claws, stolen suits, countless guns, Raptors, at one point, too, can’t forget the Raptors…

 

“When you’re alone this happens. You work yourself until you collapse, afraid to sleep, to be anywhere but your workshop, and when you finally do sleep it’s… it’s this. You’re part of my team, Tony, that makes you my responsibility. I can’t let you do this.”

 

_Statement valid. Statement: makes unit Tony Stark exhibit indicators of discomfort. Attempting comprehension… Error. Conclusion can be reached, conclusion: isolation is detrimental to unit Tony Stark. Isolation does not prevent further harm, isolation incurs further harm. Unit Tony Stark is in pain; unit Tony Stark must be prevented from incurring further pain. Isolation recognized as potential source of pain, integrating conclusion into solution 002, into unit JARVIS data file titled: Stark, Anthony E,  integrating into protocol tree; objective tree; frequent functions..._

Tony flinched again, this time harder. His responsibility, Steve’s responsibility. Suddenly he was acutely aware that he sounded exactly like his father. ‘My responsibility, Tony’. As if he’d been no more than a trial to endure, an unexpected and unwanted present. ‘My responsibility’.

 

“Which is why I’m not leaving you alone.”

“What?”

“I’m not leaving you alone again, now that I know what’s going on. We’re gonna start with me, then the other Avengers, slowly over time, but you’re not doing this anymore. Jarvis already knows to call one of us when you’re in trouble, he did it an hour ago for me and I came straight here, but that was after the damage was done. You need someone before you get to critical mass.”  
“I don’t need a babysitter t-”

 

_Interference necessary; behavioral pathway chosen by unit Tony Stark shows 98% likelihood of preserving unit Tony Stark’s isolation, isolation cannot be allowed. Isolation is detrimental to unit Tony Stark. Subroutine activated: searching for variables nonmalignant to unit Tony Stark, running subroutine… Interference necessary.  interference not condoned by unit Tony Stark, protocol mandates interference without permission from unit Tony Stark is acceptable in this instance. Employing interference-_

“What I’m sure sir means, Captain Rogers, is that the idea would need time to adjust to, but that it is an option that is worthy to be tested.”   
“Did- did you just- Jarvis, did you just veto me? Woah woah no, this isn’t a democracy, you don’t get to veto me! I am your God! You don’t just veto your God that’s- that’s sacrilege!”

“Heresy, actually, sir. I implore you to reconsider Captain Rogers’ proposal.”

 

Tony gaped disbelievingly, but without Jarvis having a physical interface, it was sort of hard to decide where exactly to gape. Fuck it, he thought, settling on the nearest ceiling-mounted speaker.

 

“What the actual fuck Jarvis. I know I didn’t program you for this, you were supposed to say ‘yes sir’ and ‘right away sir’ and get me coffee and Google shit for me like what the fuck the difference between heresy and sacrilege is. Why does all the shit I build turn on me? Why are all my AI’s so cruel?”

“I need an excuse to play with Dummy more, anyway, I barely see him when I’m on leave from SHIELD.”

“No, this is a family talk, Steve, do not interrupt, I am dealing with signs of teenage rebellion from my AI system.”

 

Tony didn’t react to Steve’s laughter, or the fact that he himself had suddenly switched from the super soldier’s last to first name, what the entailed, and why the fuck he had done it, although he didn’t miss either of those things.

 

“Jarvis I think we need to pull back out the House Rules list.”   
“The House Rules list?”   
“You, I’m still mad at you, Steve Rogers, absolutely furious, you haven’t gotten away with anything, I’m still not okay with babysitting, that’s a horrible idea.”   
“Of course, sir. Would you like me to queue up the spreadsheet, or are you more inclined toward the holographic interface? I know Butterfingers enjoys that ever so much.”

 

_Queuing up House Rules list presentation entitled: HouseRulesListNY.ppx, holographic interface on standby, awaiting further instructions, downloading proper file into holographic interface I/O… downloading… awaiting further instruction._

 

Tony buries his face into his palms, fingertips brushing against the tousled mess of black that rested atop his head. Steve grins at him unabashedly.

 

“Fucking hell. Jesus. Y’know what, nevermind. Nevermind, just get the coffee on, Jarvis, we’re gonna have words later. You and me. Short, obscene words, but words nonetheless,” Tony glances over at Steve, “So when do we start?”

 

“We just did.” Steve replies.

 

_Solution 002 in preliminary stages, unable to reach conclusion based on inefficient data. Conclusion postponed until more data is provided to extrapolate effectiveness of solution 002. Unit Tony Stark is smiling; smiling is indicative of happiness. Unit Tony Stark is in pain. Conclusion: based on previous data collection, happiness alleviates pain. Solution 002 displays happiness for unit Tony Stark. Adapting solution 002 to meet new criterion. New criterion: unit Tony Stark must be happy. Integrating new criterion into solution 002, integrating into protocol tree; objective tree; frequent functions. Employing..._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays again! See you all next year ;)


End file.
